What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
Who stopped payment on my reality check?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!
Join the Army, meet interesting people, and kill them.
Learn from your parents' mistakes: use birth control.
Assassins do it from behind.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks
Borrow money from a pessimist, they don't expect it back.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.