 merrie says: But hey, who am I to talk about family problems? I'd read you the list of all my half-brothers, but it's longer than the stimulus bill. You guys heard about my half-brother Samson, right? Yeah, when he was heading over here for my inauguration, he ran into a... well, a bit of a problem in England. Got kicked out. Turns out they'd already met their weekly quota on child molesters. Oops! And don't even get me started on my Auntie Zeituni. I'm the first president to deal with so much hassle from an alien since Independence Day. Speaking of the news, interesting item today: A Saudi judge has said it's okay to slap your wife if she spends too much. [mock-dramatic pause, leans into the mic] And you still wanna know why I bow to them? Boy oh boy, I'm in for it now. Should I look? I'm gonna look. [looks over at Michelle] Oof. Yeah, I know. I know. You gotta believe I love you, baby, but next time could you maybe wear the four-hundred-dollar shoes to the homeless shelter? Anyhoo. Look at all these lovely people here tonight. Helen Thomas. I know you're out there, hot thing. Stand up, stand up. Oh, you are. Okay. Andrew Sullivan, there he is. And Todd Palin, good to have you here. You know, I heard these two had a little altercation earlier. I'm a little unclear on the details, but apparently it ended with Andy getting dragged away, screaming "Who's the real mother???" Sorry about all that stuff during the election, Todd. You know how Axelrod can get. He's got all his little nerds typing away on their computers, e-mailing all that stuff to, heh... to respected journalists like... [chuckles] ...like Sullivan there. [laughs] And Kos! [audience laughs along for... Hey, have you seen that new Star Trek movie? Terrific, terrific stuff. A Star Trek for our times. I've even read some reviews saying I'd make a good starship captain. Yeah. Can't you just see it? Right after I lay off 8.9% of the crew and blame it on the previous captain, I go around the galaxy apologizing to the Klingons. And the Romulans. And the Cardassians. And the Ferengi. And the Tribbles... I wouldn't have Air Force One, though. Or as I like to call it, Air Force 9/11. We really put a good scare into those New Yorkers, huh? Gotta keep 'em on their toes. They'll get over it, though. I mean, what are they gonna do, not vote for me? [biggest laugh of evening] Yeah, all kinds of people ... |
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