"Children should know, however, that if they hear scratching on the side of their tent, it's probably just their older brother trying to scare them," Fredericks said. "And if the scratching suddenly stops, it's most likely because their parents have gone insane and crept up from behind with this really demonic look in their eyes and slit his throat."

As dire as these findings may appear, Fredericks claimed there was one way for children camping outdoors to escape their fate.

"If they are able to avoid being bitten by poisonous spiders crawling around inside their sleeping bag, can keep all their fingers and toes crossed long enough to ward off Sister Mary, and manage to run back home without the inbred family of cannibal people seeing them first, they may actually stand a chance," said Fredericks, an eerie smile forming on his lips…