Sex isn't a skill. The hoopla about techniques is a red herring.
If you think of sex as a set of talents, you're going to wind up
focused on doing it right, rather than on who you're doing it with.
Likewise, giving your partner a technical playbook (there but not here,
this way and not that way) leads to mechanically proficient,
predictable and emotionally dead sex. You may also not know exactly
what you want—it changes! Pushing your own limits by organically
exploring new sexual styles fosters more sizzle.


Cancel the orgasm derby. More orgasms don't equal better sex.
Lots of people can perform in bed—all the parts work just fine—but are
never really satisfied, because they'...

Sex isn't a skill. The hoopla about techniques is a red herring.
If you think of sex as a set of talents, you're going to wind up
focused on doing it right, rather than on who you're doing it with.
Likewise, giving your partner a technical playbook (there but not here,
this way and not that way) leads to mechanically proficient,
predictable and emotionally dead sex. You may also not know exactly
what you want—it changes! Pushing your own limits by organically
exploring new sexual styles fosters more sizzle.


Cancel the orgasm derby. More orgasms don't equal better sex.
Lots of people can perform in bed—all the parts work just fine—but are
never really satisfied, because they're too emotionally disconnected.
That's usually said about men rather than women, but both sexes are
capable of being physically aroused without getting any erotic charge,
and both can have orgasms without really enjoying the sex. Instead of
focusing on orgasms, pay more attention to the emotional and physical
connection: Can you become intensely aware of your partner during sex?
Can you make contact?
Tune in—don't space out. Shutting down your brain, focusing on
your sensations and going into a trance state, or fantasizing about
others, all of which sex therapists often recommend, may help you have
decent sex, since it can jump-start your engine. But by zeroing in on
your body or your thoughts alone, you've tuned out your partner. You're
also vulnerable to distractions: The mood can easily be shattered by a
car alarm. Shifting your focus to include your partner can make the
experience much more intense.