Marriage is like a watermelon. You never know what's in it until you cut it open.

i like you comment =P

I clipped this a while ago, glad to see some interest as it is a serious and thought provoking matter.

This gives me a very weird feeling, speaking as someone who's been married eight years. If you have to sit your prospective mate down and go down a list of questions you got out of the New York Times, you are not ready to be getting married.

Well, not literally in this sense, but these are psychologically sound questions and everyone should go through them with all honesty. How many really do one way or the other? I don't know.

"Under what circumstances, having made the marriage covenant, will you leave?" Hopefully, they will give much thought to the question and answer honestly and with integrity.

It is so wonderful knowing that the commitment is irreversible and each has determined to make the marriage last.

Where do you see "commitment is irreversible"? And I don't think it is wonderful under the wrong circumstances.

I agree with jatfla on this one. It has to be real.

If you have to sit your prospective mate down and go down a list of
questions you got out of the New York Times, you are not ready to be
getting married.

Which arguably is a good reason that many should, given the divorce rate in this country. I'm single, but on many occassions I have wondered what unspoken expectations, dreams, and desires people carried with them as they found themselves sleep-walking into wedlock; concerns and unfillfilled needs which brought them to the visibly uncomfortable and stitled state I sometimes see acted out in public by couples around me.

lol ... after 32 years of marriage I can safely say that the responses given and received to these questions 32 years ago would be radically different than those given and received today

If you have to ask a question, ask if you can live with this person and all their quirks for the rest of your life? And don't fudge your answer by imagining that all those quirks will disappear once you're married, they won't.

That's the other thing. janeg's right -- marriage changes people, but not in predictable ways. So, you never know how your answers to these questions might change once you've tied the knot. You have to be prepared for anything.

ask if you can live with this person and all their quirks for the rest of your life?

That's a good way to put it. ... Another friend of mine once joked that what you ought to ask yourself is, "Will I be happy hating this person for the rest of my life?" -- because there will be times when that's what it feels like.

I guess I was trying to enter into the thinking of the question. I asked no serious questions 38 yrs ago; just liked what I saw. And that includes all his family. I loved being with them and how they interacted with each other. I was an only child and my parents were *impersonal*. They all were very loving, very Southern, he was a truly kind and gentlemanly man and he seemed to like me a lot! :~) It didn't occur to us to ask or even think about some of the questions suggested; that was among the many things good about TRADITION!

you never know how your answers to these questions might change once you've tied the knot. You have to be prepared for anything.

I can't disagree with that, and you and janeg have made some good points.

Quite a fascinating discussion at any rate. Again I agree with jatfla. Nothing traditional about my situation (only eight years ago), but I had only known my then wife about a year when I proposed. Like jatfla, I don't think I ever asked any of the questions listed here. I figured the answers would probably change anyway. And besides, I knew I was going to have to take the plunge sooner or later.

Remember -- all truly important decisions in life are made on the basis of insufficient data.

See enbar....The commitment is made, the give & take begins, the consideration for others is paramount, boundaries are set and agreed upon (sometimes silently :~) and you end up with a good relationship that grows, a trust-factor that doesn't have a price-tag, little babies that are a combination of two and I promise.....as years go by....it only gets better!!

I would NOT want to be looking for a spouse within this generation. Rarely do both want to go for the gold....as in "Golden Years". Sadly, it's usually all about what the other can do for 'me'.

And you are absolutely right....as we *grow up*, we change. The goal is to change together. Best wishes!

Amen jatfla. Thanks for your wisdom and your perspective. People need to be reminded of these things. Sometimes one just has to trust rather than trying to figure it all out in advance. To me, marriage can't be "safe" -- it's an act of faith, and like every act of faith, it's tremendously risky. People are right to be nervous about making a permanent commitment, but it's with that kind of seriousness that you really get the payoff in the end, I think.


Best wishes to you too.