WHY DID THE BLONDE WALK AROUND WITH HER KNEES KNOCKING? SHE WAS AFRAID HER GUTS WERE GOING TO FALL OUT. HOW CAN YOU TELL IF A BLONDE LANDSCAPED YOUR YARD? THE BUSH IS DARKER THAN ANYTHING ELSE. WHAT DO BLONDES AND 747S HAVE IN COMMON? BLACK BOXES. WHAT DO YOU CALL NINE BLONDES STANDING IN A CIRCLE? A DOPE RING. WHY DID THE BLONDE CIRCLE THE BLOCK 28 TIMES? HER TURN SIGNAL WAS STUCK. WHAT DO YOU GOT WHEN YOU HAVE 20 BLONDES STANDING IN LINE? A WIND TUNNEL. WHAT DO YOU CALL A BLONDE WHO DYES HER HAIR BROWN? ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE. HOW DO YOU KILL A BLONDE? PUT SPIKES IN HER SHOULDER PADS. WHY DON'T BLONDES EAT PICKLES? THEY CAN'T GET THEIR HEADS IN THE JAR. HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN THE BLONDE ARRIVED? EVERYBODY STARTS TALKING IN ONE AND TWO-SYLLABLE WORDS. WHAT DO YOU CALL A HOOKER AND 3 BLONDES? "REGULAR PRICE, 4 BUCKS, 4 BUCKS, 4 BUCKS!" WHY CAN'T A BLONDE WORK IN AN AUTO PARTS DEPARTMENT? SHE WON'T SELL BRAKE SHOES WITHOUT LACES. WHAT'S A DEFINITION OF ETERNITY? FOUR BLONDES AT A 4-WAY TRAFFIC STOP. WHY DO SOME BLONDES HAVE BRUISED BELLY BUTTONS? THEY MARRIED A BLONDE MAN. TWO BLONDES WERE WALKING BY A FIELD AND THEY SAW ANOTHER BLONDE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FIELD IN A ROW BOAT, TRYING TO ROW... THE ONE BLONDE SAID TO THE OTHER, "IT'S BLONDES LIKE THAT WHO GIVE US A BAD NAME". THE THE OTHER BLONDE REPLIED "YA I KNOW, AND IF I KNEW HOW TO SWIM... WHAT IS "VROOOM...SCREECH! VROOOM....SCREECH! VROOOM...SCREECH!"? A BLONDE AT A FLASHING RED LIGHT. WHAT DO YOU CALL 10 NAKED BLONDES STANDING ON THEIR HEADS? 8 BRUNETTES! WHAT WAS CLARK GABLE'S FAMOUS QUOTATION ABOUT BLONDES? "I WANT A BLONDE, I'M TIRED OF SQUEEZING BLACKHEADS." WHAT CHRONIC SPEECH IMPEDIMENT DO ALL BLONDES SEEM TO HAVE? THEY CANNOT SAY "NO". DOCTORS RECENTLY HAVE DISCOVERED THE CAUSE FOR MOST POCKMARKS ON THE FACES OF BLONDES, IT IS NOT AS BELIEVED TO BE FROM ACNE, BUT RATHER THE PERIOD OF TIME DURING WHICH THEY ATTEMPTED TO USE A FORK. DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE 2 BLONDES WHO DIED AT THE LAKE IN A TRUCK THE OTHER DAY? THEY WERE RIDING IN BACK AND COULD NOT GET THE TAILGA... HOW DO YOU KEEP A BLONDE BUSY? GIVE HER A BAG OF M&M'S AND TELL HER TO ALPHABETIZE THEM. WHY DID THE BLONDE GET FIRED FROM THE M&M'S FACTORY? SHE KEPT THROWING AWAY ALL THE W'S. HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN A BLONDE'S BEEN MAKING CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES? BY ALL THE M&M SHELLS ON THE FLOOR. DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE BLONDE WHO WAS EXCITED ABOUT GOING TO THE GRAND PRIX ON HER HONEYMOON UNTIL SHE FOUND OUT SHE WAS PRONOUNCING IT WRONG? A BLONDE AND A BRUNETTE WERE WALKING DOWN THE STREET WHEN THE BRUNETTE SAYS "LOOK, THERE'S A DEAD BIRD!" "WHERE?" ASKED THE BLONDE, LOOKING STRAIGHT UP. WHAT DO YOU CALL A BRUNETTE STANDING BETWEEN 2 BLONDES? AN INTERPRETER. HOW DO YOU TELL IF A BLONDE IS ON DRUGS? YOU... HOW DO YOU DROWN A BLONDE? PUT A SCRATCH & SNIFF AT THE BOTTOM OF THE POOL. WHY DID THE BLONDE HAVE SQUARE BOOBS? SHE WANTED TO PAD HER BUST BY USING THE WHOLE BOX OF KLEENEX. WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A DUMB BLONDE AND A PENNY? THE PENNY IS WORTH SOMETHING. A MAN ONCE LAID A BLONDE, THEN ASKED HER IF SHE SMOKED AFTER SEX. "GEE, I DON'T KNOW!" SHE SAID, LOOKING UNDER THE COVER. HOW DO BLONDES GET THAT LITTLE GLEAM IN THEIR EYES? THEY PUT A FLASHLIGHT IN THEIR EAR. WHAT DOES A BLONDE SAY AFTER SEX? "SAY, ARE YOU GUYS ALL ON THE SAME TEAM?" WHAT DOES A BLONDE USE PANTIES FOR? AS AN ANKLE WARMER. WHY WAS THE BLONDE GUY LYING ON THE GROUND? HE WAS TRYING TO LOOK UP A GIRL'S ADDRESS. SECOND PRIZE: TRYING TO LOOK UP A GIRL'S PANTS. A BLONDE SHOWS UP AT THE POLICE STATION COMPLAINING THAT SHE HAD BEEN RAPED IN THE PARKING LOT BY TWO MEN WHO AMBUSHED HER WHILE SHE WAS HEADED TOWARDS HER CAR, JUMPING HER BETWEEN THE CARS. THE POLICE, SOMEWHAT DISTRUSTING HER STORY BECAUSE OFF ALL THE TRAFFIC IN THE AREA, ASK HER IF SHE DID ANYTHING TO STOP THEM. SHE SAYS "I SCREAMED AND CRIED, AND SCREAMED MORE AND CALLED FOR HELP". WHEN QUESTIONED IF ANYONE CAME, SHE SAID, "I KNOW THEY CAME AND I MIGHT HAVE COME A LITTLE MYSELF". WHY WON'T BLONDES CUT THE STRINGS OFF THEIR TAMPONS? THEIR CRABS WANT TO BUNGIE JUMP! TWO CAR SALESMEN WERE TALKING. "IF I DON'T SELL MORE CARS THIS MONTH, I'M GOING TO LOSE MY FUCKING ASS!" TOO LATE THEY NOTICED A BEAUTIFUL BLONDE SITTING ON A BENCH. THEY STARTED TO APOLOGIZE, BUT THE GIRL SAID, "THAT'S OK, IF I DON'T SELL MORE ASS THIS MONTH I'M GOING TO LOSE MY FUCKING CAR!" A BLONDE WAS GETTING OFF THE BUS WITH HER BLOUSE WIDE OPEN. A COP GOES OVER TO HER AND SAYS, "EXCUSE ME, MAAM, DO YOU KNOW YOUR BLOUSE IS OPEN?" THE BLONDE SCREAMS, "OH MY GOD! I LEFT MY BABY ON THE BUS!" WHY DID THE BLONDE FEEL SORRY FOR HER SISTER? BECAUSE HER MOTHER DIED. HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN A BLONDE HAS BEEN USING THE COMPUTER? THERE IS WHITEOUT ON THE MONITOR. SECOND PRIZE: THERE IS CHEESE IN ... WHY DID THE BLONDE CLIMB OVER THE GLASS WALL? TO SEE WHAT WAS ON THE OTHER SIDE. WHAT DOES A BLONDE SAY AFTER SHE GRADUATES FROM COLLEGE? "HI, WELCOME TO MCDONALD'S". HOW DO YOU AMUSE A BLONDE FOR DAYS? TYPE "PLEASE TURN OVER" ON BOTH SIDES OF A CARD. A BLONDE AND A BRUNETTE WERE ON A PLANE THAT WAS GOING DOWN. THERE WAS ONLY ONE PARACHUTE, SO THE BRUNETTE GAVE THE BLONDE HER BACKPACK. A BLONDE GOES INTO A CONVENIENCE STORE AND ASKS THE CLERK FOR A HANGER TO UNLOCK HER CAR DOOR WITH. A LITTLE WHILE LATER THE CLERK GOES OUT AND SEES HER INSIDE THE CAR WHILE ANOTHER BLONDE STANDS OUTSIDE AND SAYS, "A LITTLE TO THE RIGHT, TO THE LEFT, TO THE RIGHT..." HOW DID THE BLONDE GET A HOLE IN HER L... A BLONDE IS HOLDING A GUN TO HER HEAD. HER HUSBAND CRIES, "WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING"? "SHUT UP, YOU'RE NEXT!" SHE REPLIES. WHY DID THE BLONDE DRINK A WARM PEPSI? SHE COULDN'T FIT ANY ICE CUBES INTO THE BOTTLE. DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE BLONDE WHO HIJACKED A SUBMARINE? SHE DEMANDED $200,000 AND A PARACHUTE. WHAT DO YOU CALL AN INSECT FLYING INSIDE A BLONDE'S HEAD? A SPACE INVADER. WHY DID THE BLONDE BURN HER FACE AT MCDONALD'S? SHE WAS BOBBING FOR FRENCH FRIES. A COP PULLS A BLONDE OVER AND ASKS FOR HER DRIVER'S LICENSE? "DUH.." SHE REPLIES. "HOW DO YOU GUYS EXPECT ME TO DO THAT WHEN YOU JUST TOOK IT AWAY FROM ME YESTERDAY?" A BLONDE CALLS THE FIRE DEPARTMENT AND REPORTS A FIRE. "HOW... A CHARITY CALLS UP A BLONDE REQUESTING A DONATION TO BUY FOOD BASKETS FOR HUNGRY ELDERLY SHUT-INS. "I CAN'T HELP YOU," SAYS THE BLONDE. "I'M JUST STEPPING OUT THE DOOR TO JOG OFF ALL THAT EXPENSIVE FOOD I JUST PIGGED-OUT ON." WHY DON'T BLONDES LIKE MAKING KOOL-AID? BECAUSE THEY CAN'T ADD 8 CUPS OF WATER TO THE LITTLE ENVELOPE. WHAT DO YOU CALL IT WHEN A BLONDE DRIVES DOWN THE STREET WITH HER HEAD OUT THE WINDOW? REFUELING. WHY CAN'T BLONDES TAKE COFFEE BREAKS? THEY''RE TOO HARD TO RETRAIN. WHY CAN'T BLONDES BE PHARMACISTS? THEY CAN'T GET THE BOTTLE IN THE TYPEWRITER. WHAT'S THE DEFINITION OF ETERNITY? FOUR BLONDES AT A FOUR-WAY STOP. WHAT DO YOU CALL FIVE BLONDES AT THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN? AN AIR POCKET. WHAT DO YOU CALL A BASEMENT FULL OF BLONDES? A WHINE CELLAR. WHY DID THE BLIND BLONDE BECOME A DISCUS THROWER? SO SHE COULD GET THE BOYS' ATTENTION. WHAT DID THE BLONDE SAY WHEN SHE LOOKED INTO A BOX OF CHEERIOS? "OH LOOK! DONUT SEEDS!" WHAT HAPPENED TO THE BLONDE ICE HOCKEY TEAM? THEY DROWNED IN SPRING TRAINING. WHAT DID THE BLONDE SAY WHEN SHE SAW THE SIGN IN FRONT OF THE YMCA? "LOOK! THEY SPELLED MACYS WRONG!" WHY DO BLONDES LIKE LIGHTNING? THEY THINK SOMEONE IS TAKING THEIR PICTURE. WHY DID THE BLONDE SCALE THE CHAIN-LINK FENCE? TO SEE WHAT WAS ON THE OTHER SIDE. WHY DID THE BLONDE BUY A CAR THAT ONLY GAVE 9 MPG? SHE DIDN'T THINK SHE COULD GO TO MORE THAN 9 MALLS A DAY. HOW DO YO... A BLONDE WOMAN COMPETED WITH A BRUNETTE WOMAN AND A REDHEADED WOMAN IN THE BREAST STROKE DIVISION OF AN ENGLISH CHANNEL SWIM COMPETITION. THE BRUNETTE CAME IN FIRST, THE REDHEAD SECOND. THE BLONDE WOMAN FINALLY REACHED SHORE COMPLETELY EXHAUSTED. AFTER BEING REVIVED WITH BLANKETS AND COFFEE SHE REMARKED, "I DON'T WANT TO COMPLAIN, BUT I THINK THOSE OTHER TWO GIRLS USED THEIR ARMS." A BLONDE WENT IN TO THE HAIRDRESSER TO GET HER HAIR CUT. SHE WAS WEARING HEADPHONES. WHEN THE HAIRDRESSER ASKED HER TO REMOVE THEM, SHE TOLD HER SHE COULDN'T. THE HAIRDRESSER TOLD HER SHE WOULD HAVE TO TAKE THEM OFF IN ORDER TO GET A GOOD HAIRCUT, AND SHE SAID, "I CAN'T. THE DOCTOR SAID IF I TAKE THEM OFF I WILL ... TWO BLONDES WERE WALKING THROUGH THE WOODS AND THEY CAME TO SOME TRACKS. THE FIRST BLONDE SAID, "THESE LOOK LIKE DEER TRACKS," AND THE OTHER ONE SAID, "NO, THEY LOOK LIKE MOOSE TRACKS." THEY ARGUED AND ARGUED FOR A WHILE AND THEY WERE STILL ARGUING WHEN THE TRAIN HIT THEM. A BLONDE & BRUNETTE ARE IN AN ELEVATOR. ON THE THIRD FLOOR A MAN GETS ON WHO'S PERFECT; 3-PIECE SUIT, A GREAT BUILD, WITH A NICE BUTT. UNFORTUNATELY, THEY BOTH NOTICED, HE HAD REALLY BAD DANDRUFF. THE MAN GOT OFF ON THE 5TH FLOOR. ONCE THE DOORS CLOSED, THE BRUNETTE TURNED TO THE BLONDE AND SAID, "SOMEONE SHOULD GIVE HIM 'HEAD & SHOULDERS.'" TO WHICH THE BLONDE REPLIED, "HOW DO YOU GIVE SHOULDERS?" ONE DAY TWO BLONDES WE... A BLONDE IS VISITING WASHINGTON, DC. THIS IS HER FIRST TIME TO THE CITY, SO SHE WANTS TO SEE THE CAPITOL BUILDING. UNFORTUNATELY, SHE CAN'T FIND IT, SO SHE ASKS A POLICE OFFICER FOR DIRECTIONS. "EXCUSE ME, OFFICER," THE BLONDE SAYS, "HOW DO I GET TO THE CAPITOL BUILDING?" THE OFFICER SAYS, "WAIT HERE AT THIS BUS STOP FOR THE NUMBER 54 BUS. IT'LL TAKE YOU RIGHT THERE." THE BLONDE THANKS THE OFFICER AND HE DRIVES OFF. THREE HOURS LATER THE POLICE OFFICER COMES BACK TO THE SAME AREA, AND SURE ENOUGH THE BLONDE IS STILL WAITING AT THE SAME BUS STOP. THE OFFICER GETS OUT OF HIS CAR AND SAYS, "EXCUSE ME, BUT TO GET TO THE CAPITOL BUILDING, I SAID TO WAIT HERE FOR THE NUMBER 54 BUS. THAT WAS THREE ... A BLONDE GOES INTO WORK ONE MORNING CRYING HER EYES OUT. HER BOSS CONCERNED ABOUT ALL HIS EMPLOYEES' WELL-BEING ASKED SYMPATHETICALLY, "WHAT'S THE MATTER?" TO WHICH THE BLONDE REPLIES, "EARLY THIS MORNING I GOT A PHONE CALL SAYING THAT MY MOTHER HAD PASSED AWAY." THE BOSS FEELING VERY SORRY AT THIS POINT EXPLAINS TO THE YOUNG GIRL, "WHY DON'T YOU GO HOME FOR THE DAY? WE AREN'T TERRIBLY BUSY. JUST TAKE THE DAY OFF TO RELAX AND REST." THE BLONDE VERY CALMLY STATES, "NO.. I'D BE BETTER OFF HERE. I NEED TO KEEP MY MIND OFF IT AND I HAVE THE BEST CHANCE OF DOING THAT HERE." THE BOSS AGREES AND ALLOWS THE BLONDE TO WORK AS USUAL. "IF YOU NEED ANYTHING JUST LET ME KNOW," HE SAYS. A FEW HOURS PASS A... A BARTENDER IS SITTING BEHIND THE BAR ON A TYPICAL DAY, WHEN THE DOOR BURSTS OPEN AND IN COME FOUR EXUBERANT BLONDES. THEY COME UP TO THE BAR, ORDER FIVE BOTTLES OF CHAMPAGNE AND TEN GLASSES, TAKE THEIR ORDER OVER AND SIT DOWN AT A LARGE TABLE. THE CORKS ARE POPPED, THE GLASSES ARE FILLED AND THEY BEGIN TOASTING AND CHANTING, "51 DAYS, 51 DAYS, 51 DAYS!" SOON, THREE MORE BLONDES ARRIVE, TAKE UP THEIR DRINKS, AND THE CHANTING GROWS. "51 DAYS, 51 DAYS, 51 DAYS!" TWO MORE BLONDES SHOW UP AND SOON THEIR VOICES ARE JOINED IN, RAISING THE ROOF. "51 DAYS, 51 DAYS, 51 DAYS!" FINALLY, THE TENTH BLONDE COMES IN WITH A PICTURE UNDER HER ARM. SHE WALKS OVER TO THE TABLE, SETS THE PICTURE IN THE MIDDLE A... A REDHEAD WAS WALKING DOWN A COUNTRY ROAD ONE DAY AND CAME ACROSS A PENNED-IN FIELD WITH SHEEP IN IT. GETTING THE ATTENTION OF THE SHEPHERD, SHE ASKED HIM IF SHE COULD HAVE ONE OF HIS LAMBS IF SHE COULD GUESS HOW MANY WERE IN THE PEN. "SURE," HE SAID, ADDING, "IT'S GONNA BE A MIGHTY HARD, BUT GO AHEAD." "HMM, SHE PONDERED." THEN SHE SUDDENLY SAID "175." "MY GOSH," SAID THE SHEPHERD, ASTOUNDED. "HOW'D YOU DO THAT?" "JUST A LUCKY GUESS," REPLIED THE REDHEAD. "WELL, A DEAL'S A DEAL." AND HE HANDED HER A LAMB. AS SHE WAS WALKING AWAY, THE SHEPHERD CALLED BEHIND HER, "HEY, IF I CAN GUESS YOUR ORIGINAL HAIR COLOR, CAN I HAVE THE LAMB BACK?" "I GUESS," SHE RESPONDED. "BUT THAT'S GONNA BE PRETTY HAR... |
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