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POPSQuestions, iowahawk Has So Many Questions I let my Mexican drug lord license expire. Am I still eligible for the free machine gun program? When you said "days not weeks" did you mean Venusian days? I understand you finally quit smoking. Do they make a patch for spending addicts too? Is this question racist? Why do you need permission to be clear, and not need permission to bomb Libya? Are you in favor of gay marriage for Libyan bombing crews on Boeing planes made in South Carolina? Would you get tougher with Iran if you knew they were working with Scott Walker? On behalf of the entire US population: dude, WTF? If we reneg on the debt, where's the best place to hide our stuff from the repo men? I just voted to increase my sobriety ceiling. Why won't the bartender give me another drink? I really need to start living within my means. Do you recommend I start holding up banks or convenience stores? Will you be my 10,000th follower? more... by Dave Burge http://iowahawk.typepad.
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POPSDefault, Dear Brutus, Is Not In Our Stars, But In Ourselves
Chaos reigns at Goldman Sachs, who no longer knows who to bribe with political donations. Mankind's dream of high speed government rail service between Chicago and Iowa City tragically dies. Sesame Street descends into Mad Maxian anarchy; Oscar the Grouch fashions shivs out the letter J and the number 4 No longer protected by government warning labels, massive wave of amputations from people sticking limbs into lawn mowers New York devolves into a dystopian hellscape of sugared cola moonshiners, salty snackhouses and tobacco dens. At-risk Mexican drug lords forced to buy own machine guns. Chevy Volt rebate checks bounce, stranded owners more than 50 miles from outlet. WH communications office reduced to sending talking points to Media Matters via smoke signals and log drums. Potential 5-year old terrorists head to boarding gates ungroped. Defenseless mortgage holders forced to live in houses they can actually afford. read more iowahawk hilarity at link
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POPSObama Names Bill Clinton to Presidential Post has left some charging that he had betrayed his campaign promises to bring them to Washington as part of a sweeping culture of change -- a charge that Mr. Obama vehemently accepted. "Oh, for crissakes. Are you kidding me? Are you friggin' kidding me?" asked Obama. "Of course I betrayed those goddamned idiots. Have any of you actually spent five minutes with them? I have, unfortunately. Nothing personal, but I wouldn't trust these internet windowlickers with a plastic spork from Taco Bell, let alone a freaking $3 trillion dollar budget global superpower. Look, I may be naive, but I'm not stupid. And if Kose or Koz or whatever the fuck his name is thinks for one second I give a rat's ass about who he wants in charge of the Treasury Department, he's even stupider than he looks."
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POPSThe Top 20 “Why I’m Voting Democrat” Tweets 9) Because we must never return to the Bush-Cheney nightmare of debt, war, and 7% unemployment -- iowahawkblog 8) Because the Soviet Union would have worked with the right people in charge & we're going to prove it -- johnhawkinsrwn 7) Voting for a black man excuses my rampant anti-semitism. -- tommccammon 6) Because Democrats care so much about poor people they want everyone to be poor. -- whotnaught 5) Because I believe this country is headed in the right direction...toward destruction. -- darrinyeager 4) Because I want to flaunt my vajazzled nether regions at the office, then sue you for looking. -- JennQPublic 3) Because Democrats fund programs for the mentally challenged, such as making them Speaker of the House -- iowahawkblog 2) Because Republican women are smart, gorgeous, witty and classy....and I hate them for it. -- Furrystoat 1) Because socialism is 0-58 vs. the spread since 1917... come on dude, it is DUE -- iowahawk
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POPS'Media Violence Project' JournoPolitico Violence: Deadly Threat or Menacing Trend? murder, rape, assault, and vehicular manslaughter? Sadly, as will come as no surprise to those who read our initial 2008 report, they continue to prey upon America's children. As bad as these cases are individually, collectively they represent only the tip of a vast, bloody iceberg of media brutality. Most experts believe that the overwhelming majority of media crimes are never reported. "Think about it," says Egrub. "We are actual relying on reporters to report on the crimes of reporters. Politicians: An Even Greater Menace? And yet, Americans may be facing an even worse wave of domestic attacks from the only organized group arguably even more violent, stupid and useless than the news media: elected public officials. In response to growing public outcry, the board of the Media Violence Project earlier this morning established a new affiliate organization, the Center for the Study of Politician Sociopathy. http://bit.ly/cQSusv http://iowahawk.typepad.com/iowah
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POPSI’ll Take a Cashier’s Check, Mr. Breitbart ... Iowahawk KEITH OLBERMANN: I can’t tell you how shocked and appalled to hear that there may have been some kind of compromising leak of off-the-record conversations from Journolist, involving David Weigel. Is this true, David? DAVE WEIGEL: ya i guess so KEITH OLBERMANN: I can only imagine the career damaging consequences of such a terrible breach of journalistic confidentiality! I suspect that your job at the Post is in serious jeopardy. DAVE WEIGEL: look man can u come back later? KEITH OLBERMANN: I’m only here to give you my help, David. Sensing your plight I asked my producers at MSNBC to offer you a recurring job as a contributor on Countdown. DAVE WEIGEL: srsly?? KEITH OLBERMANN: Absolutely! And at the same pay. All you have to do now is tender your resignation at the Post before they have a chance to fire you, and we’ll have you on the air as soon as we can locate a makeup technician skilled in your condition. DAVE WEIGEL: wow keith! what can i do to thnk u?
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POPSMan, Do I Hate Holiday Travel by iowahawk Take for example a recent flight I took from Lagos to Detroit. With over 100,000 miles on my JihadAir platinum card, I've schlepped enough miles through Heathrow and Gatwick and Yemen International to know I should be at the airport two hours before departure. Especially during the holiday heavy bombing season. Good thing too, because by the time I got there, there was already a mile long line at the explosives counter. And man, talk about smell! I swear half of these stupid shaheeds hadn't bothered to take a shower, let alone a pre-martyrdom ablution ritual. Come on people, how about a little self respect? And right when I was only two martyrs in line from the counter? Yep, you guessed it. The stupid explosives agents called for a prayer break. To top that, just as I was finishing my last supplication, I get up off the prayer rug and these three friggin' Saudis totally jump the line, and I'm like, "dude, WTF?"
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POPSBrigadier General Barack H. Obama, Operation Minivan Pool I would provide him a force of 30,000, which is fully 75% of a 110% commitment. When you multiply it out, that's... let's see... that's almost an 83% total commitment to mission success! Not only that, I also pledged to provide you with all the healthy snacks and juice boxes you will need until the designated 5:30 pickup time. As an extra bonus to help you out, I secured a commitment of 10,000 additional special troops from our European allies. In fact, I think I see one of them in the back seat -- there in the blue bicycle helmet. What's your name son? Pierre? That's... okay... okay, Pierre, please stop crying. Yes, I promised Mr. Sarkozy you'll be home soon. Now before we back out of the driveway, we must ask ourselves an important question: who hasn't gone to the bathroom? Raise your hands now, because we have a long drive ahead of us. Nobody? Sure? Because man, after that third cup of coffee I'm thinking I better make a safety pee. I'll be right back,
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POPS Why We Fight Harley is also teaming up with Maxim magazine the "Harley Salutes the Military Contest," which gives active or retired personnel the chance to win a new Harley-Davidson motorcycle of their choice... delivered personally by Marisa. Rrrowrrr! Plus a trip to Las Vegas. Visit http://www.maxim.com/salutes to enter. If the winning vet turns out to be an Iowahawk reader, I will travel to Las Vegas to personally present him/her with a special bonus prize: an open bar tab. Dave's treat! Good luck and sincere thanks to all of America's Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen and Marines.
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POPS Iowahawk Endorses thus, while his Congressional cohort was tripping on brown acid in the mud at Max Yasgur's farm, Mr. Hoffman was gearslamming down the quarter mile at Fulton Speedway. Yessirree bob, this photo tells me everything I need to know about Mr. Hoffman, and I enthusiastically give him my full support. As it turns out Mr. Hoffman still loves cars, and his family is still involved in the classic car restoration business. This, I have learned, is now the basis of attack ads from his Democrat and Republican foes in the race. Which tells me everything I need to know about them .
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POPSMembership In 'The Nobel Club' Has Its Privileges Great travel packages to the 2016 Olympics in Rio de Janeiro Listing in "Who's Who of Global Salvation" ($49.95 per copy) Great coupons for Olive Garden, P.F. Chang's, Six Flags Theme Parks, and more! Plus, you'll receive the exclusive Nobel Peace Player's Club GoldCard entitling you to discount air travel and 5-star hotel accommodations from Kyoto to Darfur. But don't take our word for it! Listen to these testimonials from some of our current members: "My career as an international peace activist means lots of air travel -- and dealing with pushy Zionists and rude natives. With my Nobel Peace Player's Club GoldCard, I finally get the respect I deserve - and it makes getting through Gaza airport security a snap!" -- Jimmy Carter, 2002 Laureate "Whether we're patrolling the Congo, Sudan, or Bosnia, one thing's for sure -- chicks can't resist a Nobel Peace Prize Player!" -- United Nations Peacekeeping Forces, 1988 Winners
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POPS The Battle Hymn of the Obamatons He started his career out thinking “ACORN’s really sweet!” He gave them lots of campaign funds, but He doesn’t know they cheat! They abet tax fraud and hookers but don’t lay that at his feet! Barack is marching on. Glory, glory, hallelujah! Barack Obama is our ruler! Glory, glory, hallelujah! Barack is marching on. When He speaks His soaring Voice is like the dawning of the day, Though His mighty TelePrompTer tells Him all the words to say, He offers many promises, and may get to them someday, His voice keeps droning on. (Chorus) Glory, glory, hallelujah! Barack Obama is our ruler! Glory, glory, hallelujah! His voice keeps droning on.
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POPSNone Dare Call it Art When 40 months seem a heavy load And every day makes your head explode Read Ott and Steyn and Iowahawk And Life won't feel like such a crock. David Hussein Burge! Mmmm -- mmmm -- mmmm Thanks, DB, I'm proud as hell, Of America -- just like Michelle! We're finally rising from the pits Cuz we elected YOU the King of Wits! David Hussein Burge! Mmmm -- mmmmm -- mmmm! Is This for real? A contest? Panderhawk Oh, Iowahawk! Who leaps into action when all the other blogsters just talk? Iowahawk! Who rushes in where angels fear to walk? Iowahawk! Who packs more irony than any other kid on the block? Iowahawk! Who causes the targets of his incisive satire, whether high or low, left or right, real or imaginary, to throw up their figuratively blood-stained hands and squawk? Iowahawk! Oh, Iowahawk, Your intelligence compares favorably to sixties Star Trek character Spock! Your masculine beauty is without any flaw or pock!
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POPSEarn Big $$$ the NEA Way! It's true -- U.S. government demand for art and art-like products has never been higher! Uncle Sam and the good folks at the National Endowment for the Arts are on the lookout for go-getting, obedient artists like you for a fast-paced career in state propaganda. With the quick and easy Federal Art Instruction Institute course, now you too can get a first class ticket on the federal art gravy train! Tell Me More! From heath care to the economy to the environment, Washington has become infested with pesky state enemies who are clogging up the legislative pipeline and making life miserable for our cool, art-loving president. That's why he has ordered the NEA to fund obsequious bohemians to help him exterminate the competition and drive traffic to his hip new website Servile.gov. The Federal Art Instruction Institute will show you how to get off funemployment and on the payroll of this exciting $3.6 trillion growth industry!
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POPSFOUND: Bush White House NEA (leaks R us) Conference Call Transcript MS. CZARNOSKI: Speaking as an artist, I would first like to say, what’s my cut? MR. SMIRNOV: Is very good question. Is very much sliding scale depending how much service yous do for Mr. Bush. I mean America community. Mister Bush he sees many places where is good for Art. Here is to explain Mr. good buddy vice president Dick Cheney. MR. CHENEY: Hello everyone and thank you Yakov. I would like to say… MR. SMIRNOV: Please not to shoots me, Mr. Vice Presidents! MR. SMIRNOV: hhenng heh… heee… uh… Yakov make bad joke. Please Cheney buddy, Yakov sorry. MR. CHENEY: As I was saying, the President and I believe the Hillbilly Arts and Entertainment community can play a crucial role in moving our country, and the political debate forward. Whether your home base is Branson or Myrtle Beach or Laughlin, whether your art is wind chimes or plywood ducks, all of you can leverage your talents to address the plight the GOP community.
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POPSReadin', Ritin', Religion Being a big believer in recycling (and sloth), it seemed like a good excuse to trot out this moldy Iowahawk video from October 2008.
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POPSFor Immediate Release iowahawk He encouraged independent God developers to support the closed-source iGod / iGov health care platform , warning that "woe be unto the unlicensed app developer, for he shall be smote by a vengeful hail of ACORNs." Other iGod apps currently in beta test include an end-of-life calculator, income leveler, and a wireless database detector for anti-government heretics and apostates. "I believe this exciting health care partnership opportunity with the Almighty will be every bit as successful as our previous peace partnerships in the Middle East, and will pave the way for an eventual merger," said Obama. No date has been set for Government-God merger plans, but the FTC has signalled it would give quick approval. To finance the project, Obama said US Government would seek US$2 trillion in a 103rd round of involuntary venture capital. Headquartered in Washington DC, U.S. Government (NASDAQ: USAGOV) employs over 4,000,000 full time workers . . .
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POPSCommunity Organizing for Me, But Not For Thee Unfortunately they are joined in conspiracy by a well-financed network of unlicensed blogs and talk radio traitors, who exaggerate their numbers and percolate disinformation " even cleverly staged YouTube videos of an impostor President Obama saying "quotes"! Do not fraternize with the capitalist running dogs; report them at once!
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POPSKnow Your Town Hall Mob Agitators! The days of your deviltry are numbered, well-dressed running-dog lackey of gangster insurance plutocrats! You and your $250 suit are now entered into our monitoring data base! In addition to reporting suspected health care blogoteurs, it is important to remind your fellow citizens to practice "safe surfing" when looking for health care reform information. Links to approved, citizen-driven, spontaneous grassroots websites can be found at Organizing for America, Health Care for America Now!, and ACORN. Until further notice, all other health care opinions are considered hostile disinformation from highly coordinated state enemies! In Your Home Sector Rooting out the deceptive web of anti-health propagandists must not only take place at our town halls and on line. If we are to defeat the forces of reaction, we must expose and isolate these sinister elements in all local sectors.
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POPSSenate Champion for Healthcare & Harvard Greek Intramurals in '53 As the Conscience of the Senate, I have led the fight to win comprehensive national medical benefits for you and other vulnerable Boiler Room Girls who have been denied coverage by their heartless employers. I fervently believe we're all on this boat together. Okay, Oldsmobile. Now, if you'll just let go of my arm, I'll make a break for it and continue the fight for your health care rights back at my lawyer's office. Ow! Jesus! That fucking hurt! Come on now, Baby. Let's all just calm down, take a shallow breath, and look at our heath care predicament rationally. We obviously can't both stay here in our current plan, and if we both opt out of our windows at the same time it will sink the entire system. Even if we both made it out, there will be difficult questions and bureaucratic forms and red tape. Like I also told you back at the party, my wife doesn't understand me. And she sure as hell won't understand this. Obviously the answer is some sort of window rationing system where
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POPSA Wise Latina Will Add Spice to the Menudo of Justice And after the menudo is finished, we will go out into the hot evening air of the Supreme Court plaza for drinks. Sangria and Irish whiskey, 2% milk and Colt 45 Malt Liquor. The night breeze is intoxicating, no? Now it is time for the music of justice! The instruments will be taken out, like the Buena Vista Social Club. Carribean drums and mazurkas, the blues guitarra and the bagpipes, creating the caliente salsa beat of la ley! Bailando en la calle, everybody! What's that Justicio Juan Roberto? You are too white and do not have the ritmo to do the dance? Let wise Latina Justicia Sonia show you the steps! Meringue, samba, macarena! Andele! Yes, yes! Lose yourself in the rhythm, Perito Breyer! Together we make the beautiful Constitutional musica together!
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POPSFans Flock to Mourn California, 1849-2009 ~ by Iowahawk Even a frightening bout with tremors did not stop the flow of hits. The 1915 megasmash ‘Hollywood’ broke all records, as did the wartime favorite ‘Aerospace.’ More recently, California topped the charts with ‘Tourism,’ ‘High Tech,’ and ‘Coastal Pretension.’ For a time it seemed as if the superstar could do no wrong, but behind the glittering facade of Disneyland Manor troubling signs of mental instability began to emerge. The state developed a well-publicized drug problem during filming of 1967’s ‘Summer of Love,’ and briefly dabbled in strange religious cults. Under the influence of spiritual guru Jerry Brown, it began wholesale experimentation in exotic spending programs, eventual resulting in a traumatic 1979 stay at the Prop 13 Rehab Center. During the 80’s and 90’s California enjoyed a brief career renaissance with hits like ‘Olympics,’ ‘Real Estate’ and ‘Dot Com Boom,’ but personal problems plagued the reclusive star once again.
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POPS Virgin-Americans Fight Against Blood Sacrifice Amendment (C&T) "For example, were I not focusing on this crucial legislation, I would totally be porking some sexy, sexy ladies. No, really, I'm serious. I would be. Stop laughing", Waxman said. Bill co-sponsor Edward Markey (D-MA) said that even if enacted into law, the bill allows a 9 month grace period for current virgins to change their sacrifice eligibility status. "Easy for him to say," complained Kevin Warren, a 34-year old Green Bay Packer fanatic from Fon du Lac, Wisconsin. "You try getting laid with a foam rubber cheese hat, green face paint and Favre jersey." Whether Warren and other Virgin-Americans have the clout to scuttle the bill remains to be seen. It is scheduled for Senate deliberations as soon as the House Sergeant-at-Arms can locate a crane powerful enough to move the entire document to the Senate chamber. If passed there, it is expected to be quickly signed into law by President Obama.
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POPS Ha! dialogue which has been taking place in your great and noble Islamic Republic of Iran over recent days. It has been both educational and fascinating, and as a sports fan I have thrilled to the pageantry, the suspense, and the fast-paced, hard-hitting action. Obama, despite the careful diplomatic language, reveals himself as never before in this key epistle, and you’ll want to read that whole thing, too. I’d just like to say I am deeply honored that a post from this site, Jules Crittenden’s Forward Movement, is linked in this important message. I’d add that President Barack Obama, in choosing Iowahawk as his vehicle to speak to the people of Iran, clearly recognizes how wildly popular Mr. Dave Burge’s site is among freedom-loving peoples of the world and how critical it has been to advancing global peace and understanding, especially during the Bush years when America was viewed negatively in the world by morons. http://www.julescrittenden.com/
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POPS A Statement from the Speaker of the House Had I known the real truth -- that they were describing the grim tools of a sadistic torture regime beyond the worst imaginings of Mengele himself -- I would have vigorously objected, and would have never cheerfully told my briefers, "play safely!" I am sorry for any confusion my earlier statements might have caused, and I hope this clarification puts the matter to rest. For future reference, please direct inquiries regarding torture issues within the California 8th District B&D community to my outreach coordinator Julian Julian Julian. All other torture-related issues should be directed to my National Security and Drag Queen Affairs Advisor, Lady Marmalade. Sincerely, Nancy Pelosi Speaker of the House of Representatives
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POPS HARDFIRE! Are the Paranoids Coming to Get Us? Air Force One Well Dave, I'm going to have to say both. There's no denying that Tony Iommi's chunky lead and Geezer Butler's thundering bass set a lasting standard for headbanging power trios. But there's also no denying there's something very unsettling about today's body politic. Just the other day I decided to drop into lower Manhattan for a surprise low altitude fly-by photo op. I was expecting friendly smiles and waves, but instead that crowd in Battery Park started scurrying around like a herd of caribou underneath Sarah Palin's helicopter. I mean, what's up with that? Dave Burge Psychologists say some New Yorkers may still have lingering memories of 9-11. Air Force One 9-1-what? Dave Burge Nevermind. How are you coping with the trauma of that painful incident? Air Force One Well Dave, I have to say my self-esteem took a hit. It made me realize that Jumbo Jet-Americans still face an uphill battle against paranoid transportational profiling.
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POPSThe Moderates vs. Conservatives Feud: It’s a Trap! If the party management was really interested in growing the party instead of demonizing a group of people, they could find a way to build out from a base instead of chopping the base off. Instead of eagerly agreeing with the liberal media that socially conservative ideas — like respect for human life, personal responsibility, respect for religious faith and America’s Christian heritage — were scary and worthy of ridicule, someone who really was interested in growing the party might try to look for a way to promote those values to moderates and liberals. The Democrats pulled this off brilliantly. The higher taxes demanded by its left-wing socialist base were marketed to the mainstream as “fairness” and “fiscal responsibility.” Ruinous regulations were marketed as “accountability.” They also successfully hyped a non-existent environmental crisis, and blamed the housing crisis they created on the other part.
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POPS"Gaia" Re: Gaia Proto-warmalist James Lovelock, originator of the “Gaia” theory of self-regulating planet spoiled by evil humans, is interviewed by a chick named “Gaia.” Gaia the resource user wants to know what can be done to save both Gaias, the planet one and herself, the rather hot in an earthy kind of way if airheaded human one. Cranky old codger Lovelock, a bit of a contrarian, hates windmills, likes some nukes, and wants to solve the CO2 thing by forcing farmers to burn their crops into charcoal and bury it … all of them, right now! Seems like a lot of effort when, according to him, Gaia is putting off 550 “gigatonnes” of carbon a year and we’re only putting in 30. Sounds like if Gaia has a problem with that, maybe Gaia needs to regulate her own Earth-sized ass. But this is the thing. Gaia’s answer, Lovelock says, is gonna be to kill 8 billion of us. Gaia the planet, not Gaia the dingbat interviewer.
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POPSKremulakians Invade Inauguration & Seize Control Of US Government How easily they were mesmerized by Obamulak’s soothing soundwaves. In less than a single moon-orbit, we had mobilized them as mindslaves to demand reduced Earth-heat for the next wave of Kremulakian invaders! And all for a few tickets to Obamulak’s inauguration festival! Ha ha ha! Your Earth-douchebags are so stupid… stupid… STUPID!! Phase I of our plan is complete. In Phase II you will turn over your delicious Earth-dollars to the Kremulakian Carbon Revenue Service. In Phase III, our tractor beams will relocate your planet to a more pleasing solar distance. In Phase IV, colonization and spawning. This is your warning! Do not attempt to resist, for your insolence will be revisited a thousandfold with heavy late filing penalties and interest. Cry your tears now, Hu-Mans! Although I take great pleasure in your lamentations, I grow weary and must return to my cryo-pod before I evaporate further. And boy, I have to make gasoline like a race horse. iowahawk.com
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POPS Wrongful Hurtfulness Senora Kennedy she is always know the issues. Every morning she always tell me, “Rosa, where is my New York Time paper?” Then she read it before she go to Fifth Avenue for the shopping. When she get back she tell me to put it in the recycle because to save the planet. A lot of it is even worse than that but you’ll have to go read it yourself. Come on, people. Let’s not let Iowahawk get away with mocking Esmeralda or whatever her name is and Caroline Kennedy, because, you know … the Kennedys …
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POPS Senora Kennedy Is Make A Good Senator Senora Kennedy is many plaques. She have a diploma from the Senator school and many trophies. She have many famous photografias and autografias. I know this because I have to clean her office every Tuesday and is very hard for to dust all this many things. Senora Kennedy have very many busy jobs. She is edit the book for the children and the poetry. She also choose the winners for the many awards she is boss for. It is make her very tired, but every day Senora is go to work for the volunteer to raise the money for the awards and the charity. She have many parties at the home and the museum. She work very hard to shop for the new gowns and invitacions. She is also make the seating arrange and hide the tequila from Tio Teddy so he not get borracho. This she do for the poor. Senora Kennedy she is the good mother. She is raise her two girls by herself, with the nannies, and every night read the girls the poetry book she edit.
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POPS The Pelosi GTxi SS/RT, Take 2 Recently though, an Iowahawk reader in the Bay Area alerted me that "Officer Vic" on KSFO had played an audio bit of the piece. It was also uncredited, but I was pleasantly floored by the great voice-over work by Officer Vic. Rather that bitch about it, I decided to do some swiping of my own: Here's the KSFO audio version of my bit, with some video I mashed up for the occasion. The Pelosi GTxi SS/RT, Take 1 http://americandigest.org/mt-archives/fish_barrel_bang/the_pelosi_gtxi.php
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POPSSantaCorp Pleads Case For Bailout "You might say it's a perfect snowstorm," said Merrill Lynch analyst Jennifer Rothstein. "The youth consumer market is demanding more for less, at a time when the government and courts have forced SantaCorp to lower its 'good list' credit rating standards. They face increased non-union competition from the East Pole, and huge increases in fuel prices for magical reindeer flying hay. It's a hard sell for the investment community."
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POPSThe Idiossey The Not-Really-That-Epic Poem of Obamacles (with Apologies to Homer)
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